EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED Survivin' Series Preview!!!

"Wait… WHO won the election? Aw, crap… Hello, Steph? Can you do me a favor and fire ten wrestlers at random? Thanks."
-- Vince MacMahon, Nov. 2004.

Welcome, everyone, to the latest EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and EXTREMELY CONTROVERSIAL edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog - and you're not. We've got a lot to get to this week, but first, a quick poll:

Who will be the next to hear the words "YOU'RE FIRRRRRRRED!!!"?

(A) Triple HHH
(B) Brock Lesnor
(C) The Classic Old-School Ordertaker
(D) No one. Ever.
(E) Yes.

Be sure to vote for your choice at the official Inside The Ropes website (Motto: Now receiving more than 6 hits a month). And here are the results of our last poll:

What did we all think of Tattoo Thursday?

(A) What - the four of us who saw it? - 15 %
(B) Best. PPV. Ever - 0 %
(C) EVER!!! - 11 %
(D) SNITSKY-RIFFIC - 57 %
(E) Yes - 15 %

And now, onto the news:

As you all know by now unless you're dumb, World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Incorporated Limited Partnership LLC has made MASSIVE CUTS to its active roster, firing the people who are undisputably the biggest names in the business with LITTLE REGARD for their personal feelings. Here is a quick rundown:

Wrestler
Reason Fired Headed to…?

Big Ass Billy Gun Triple HHH told the boys to 'show ass' in the ring; he took it literally Japan, obviously

Nadia Ignored dress code; kept wearing Daisy Duke shorts Tuff Enuff 5

The Test Didn't have "superstar look" MMA world

a Train Head too big Ring of Horror

Gay Kim Overweight Back home to Korea

Rodney Max Because of wife NWA T&A, as a headliner

Jazzzzz Because of wife Mexico (Lucha-Jazz!!!)

Ray "Bad Boss Man" Trailer Currently deceased Heaven?

Stoned Cold Steve Austen WHAT? WHAT?

I said, St… WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

Chuck Columbo Being a jerk Vacation

Johnny "The Boar" Stambolini Who the fuck cares? WHAT?

Ricola Gay Broadway

Pat Pat Patterson See Ricola Start own thriving indy fed

Canadian Bulldog That's weird; I don't even remember signing with them… Oh, wait… that OVW developmental contract (damn you, stupid 90-day rollover clause!!!)

Company officials are saying that the moves will save it more than $8,000 (Canadian) a year!!! It will also allow the cash-strapped WWE to make more talent acquisitions, such as Raw Diva Hunt winner Kristy Hem, former King of the Ring Visceria and The Tuff Enuff Guy Who Made Kur Tangle Tap Out Like A Little Bitch.

One of the new people they've hired on is Mohachmed Hussein, who will be accompanied by his manager Osama Arafat. Just because they are Arab-Iranian citizens, they claim they are being blamed by the general public for the events of Rescue 911.

I say… give them a chance!!! Just because they are different from you and I, or because they dress differently, or talk in a different language, or because they carry Weapons of Massive Destruction to the ring, it doesn't make them any different than you and I. And besides, when was the last time WWE exploited something as sacred as World Events for their own personal benefit?

We are just ONE month away from the WWE's 20th annual Survivin' Series PPV. And what a treat this one will be - a return to the "Classic" 5-on-5 survival matches, reminding me of the first SS in 1981 when Hal Kogan, Paula Ortondorff and Three Others teamed up to face Andrew The Giant and Four Others. Here is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview of what to expect:

Main Event
Classic Survivin' Series Match
The Curtain Jerk & His Curtain Jerkers (Lund Killer Randy ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!, Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho, Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah, Mavin and Brutus The Beefcake)
Vs.
The "New" Revolution (Triple HHH, Nature Guy Ricky Flare, SHNITSKY!!!, ThEdge and Dangerous Danny Davis)

This match has a little bit of everything: talent who have been held back, talent who haven't been held back, and SHNITSKY. Look for the team of to come out on top.

Main Event
Loser Must Suck Because This Is A Crappy Match
Bookie T (with Velocity's John Matthews in his corner)
Vs.
Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld (with Orlando Hudson in his corner).

Will Book diss all his dawgs from the hood by winning the bling-bling, proper? BANK ON IT!!!

Main Event
International Title Match
Sheldon Benjamin
Vs.
The Christian

Whatever…

The Classic Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To
Vs.
HI-DAN-RIKE (with Paul Herman in a neutral corner)

You just knew that these two sexy titans would eventually settle their differences, but… settle them in the ring??? This one looks too close to call, even though Ordertaker almost never lets anyone beat him, and his opponent isn't very talented or over.

Main Event
Classic Survivin' Series Match
Eddie's Rowdies (Latin Heat Eddie Guerrera, The Best Show, Rod Van-Damme, ???? and Hillbilly John
Vs.
Team America World Police (Kur Tangle, Lucifer Rains, Mark Gingerale, Charlita Caribbean Cruel and Nickelai Volkov)

Expect ???? to be John Matthews, because he's proven himself to the locker room, both in terms of workrate and mic skills. Either that or it will be The Tuff Enuff Guy Who Made Kur Tangle Tap Out Like A Little Bitch.

Main Event
Girls Title Match
Tritch Stratus
Vs.
The Returning Leeta

I'm not sure what exactly the issue is between these mildly-attractive ladies, but one thing's for sure: it will probably end when one of the competitors bites the referee on the butt. Or is that a midget 'spot'? Readers?

Main Event
Three-Way Dance for The Little Heavyweight Title
Spike TV Dudley
Vs.
Chavita Non-Classic
Vs.
Billy The Kid-Sized Man
Vs.
Roy Mysterio Junior

This one will end when someone lands a Shooting Splash Press on someone else. Or misses the move. Whatever. I mean… really! Who cares?

On paper (and even on this computer screen), this event has the makings of being the best PPV ever. EVER!!!

Even MORE PPV: Apparently, NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits and Ass) held a Real Paper-View Event this past week. I wasn't able to find any reports of this so-called Victoria Road card online, but everybody's favorite apprentice Johnny ITR provided the details:

Hey, boss. I just got back from the T&A paper-view, which was taking place at Disney World. Here's an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED report:
· The first match featured 20 No Name Little Heavyweight Wrestlers. One of the Mexicans won.

· Some Jobbers and Jerry Be Bad went over Kid Krash and Some Other Jobbers.

· Next up was Midget Madness, with Little Littleton pinning Teeny McShort after one of them bit the referee on the ass.

· Roaddog Jamie James and Conan beat Two Canadians to win some belts.

· Rod Roddy Piper defeated Jimminy "Superfreak" Snooka in what was an ~OMFG ***** MOTYC!!!

· Jacaklquenyn made her long-awaited return to wrestling, defeating Some Chick.

· Alphabet Male Murphy Brown beat That's So Raven and The Mankind Wannabe in a "Ballroom Blitz" match.

· Peter Williams (OMG, the guy from The Brady Bunch) beat B.J. Styles to retain the XXX Division title.

· Next up was Triple XXX against America's Best Wanted. The team of came out on top!!!

· Then it was time for the "main event". It was supposed to be Jeff Hardee's and Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash against Double Jeff Jarrod and Scott "Last Hall" Call. But then there was a SHOCKING SWERVE when Nash turned on Hall!!! And then there was another SHOCKING SWERVE when they didn't team up with each other!!! And then there was a SHOCKING SWERVE when they teamed up with Jarrod!!! Then they turned on Jeff Hardee's!!! Then Matzoh Man Randy Sewage came out for some reason!!! And it was the best match ever! EVER!!!

· !!!

Thanks for the rundown, Johnny. I knew I could count on you to get the facts straight.

I recently had the chance to sit down and talk over the phone to WWE Raw Undisputed World Heavyweight Champion Triple HHH. How does The Criminal Assassin feel about putting over young talent? How important is holding the title to him? We attempted to answer these questions and more during our interview. The following is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript that may not reprinted for any reason, unless you have a good reason:

CB: Is this Triple HHH?
HHH: No.
CB: DAMN IT!!!
HHH: But…
CB: THIS INTERVIEW… IS OVER!!! (Hangs up)
HHH: … but he'll be back in a minute. He just went to the store.

If there's anyone you're dying for me to interview, drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com.

Finally, what kind of a Corporate Kiss-Ass would I be if I didn't take this opportunity to remind you all about the annual Pledge Drive at Oldline Onslut? NOT A VERY GOOD ONE!!!

Did you realize that, for almost the same price as supporting a Starving Child Somewhere, you could instead donate to OOO so that Webmaster Rick Scherer can stock his Villa in the Aspens with (more) whiskey? You probably didn't. Stupid.

I mean, where else are you going to see quality columns such as Inside the Ropes, and… uh… well, really… the quantity of columnists isn't important. Just support this site, damn you!!!

You know I wouldn't bug you for your hard-earned money unless it was a worthy cause. So please donate what you can to the pledge drive. Also, buy one of my T-shirts, such as this new "Bulldog Still Rules" one.

Oh, and if you're wondering where this week's Letters From A Nut feature is -- SCREW YOU!!!

Actually, it's on a brief "hiatus" while it's being "retooled" because of "creative differences." However, I have a funny feeling it will be back, BETTER THAN EVER, later this month. BANK ON IT!!!

Until next time, remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.